When I just started my PhD in 2023, I was very excited to be surrounded by a new environment, new systems, new people, and, most importantly, to enter my new role as a PhD student. I had a lot of fun in the first months with several trips, social activities, and also learning new things. However, there has always been one thing that I have never felt comfortable with, even before my PhD started. I never enjoyed any task that involved giving a presentation in front of a group of people. I am kind of a nervous person when I have to give an oral presentation and feel many eyes staring at me.

One of the presentations I was most nervous for was the half-time evaluation seminar that all PhD students at KTH CBH School must do after completing half of their PhD work. The goal of having a half-time seminar is to reflect on what I have done over the past two years such as how many course credits I have completed so far, how much I have progressed on my research, and importantly to see if I will be able to successfully exit the PhD programme on-time as a graduated student (of course, I don’t plan to quit the PhD).

As we have a 4-year PhD programme at KTH, most of us present their half-time seminar after about two years. It is undeniable that time flies so fast… Suddenly, somehow, two years have already passed since I arrived in Stockholm, and the time for my half-time evaluation was knocking at the door. While preparing for my evaluation, I had the chance to pause and reflect on myself. I found that two years in the PhD role was changing me. No, no, don’t worry! I don’t mean that it made me bipolar or gave me depression… In contrast, this role shaped my strength and made me more mature in my character. For example, I feel more comfortable to communicate openly, especially in sharing my opinion and seeking for help when I have a problem. Moreover, I feel more confident in giving presentations such as at Glycoclub, which is our every-Friday group meeting, because I have received warm support from friends, colleagues, and my supervisor.

In addition to changing in my character, two years of working as a PhD student have changed my way of thinking as well. For example, I no longer see scientific publications as just a cool thing I can achieve. Instead, I recognise that the outcomes of my work can provoke promising new applications that have a meaningful impact on the environment and society. Moreover, I also stopped viewing myself as just a pair of hands in the lab producing data day after day; I began to see that I could teach and transfer my knowledge during teaching and supervision of other students, and I could inspire younger generations interested in science. Because I work alongside other PhD students and have attended a few conferences, I can also see myself as a member of scientific community, which starts to feel really good.

After this reflection on myself, I also took time to properly reflect on my research. When you are busy doing experiments and trying to keep up with many deadlines, it is easy to be so focussed on the details that you forget the big picture. I realised that I have produced good results in my research, and it was definitely enough for the half-time presentation. So, my results were ready to be evaluated…but I myself was not. I didn’t want to believe that I had already finished my second year, and I was going to become a third-year PhD student. There are many things I still want to do and things I want to learn, and just two years left seems not enough. I realised that I had planned to take too many course credits, and I will have to cut some of them out to make sure I have time for my research. But this contrasts with my feeling that I still want to take more courses and gain more new knowledge!

While preparing the 10-page report and 30-min presentation for the half-time evaluation, honestly, I felt tired and a bit stressed about having to do it, and I knew I didn’t want to embarrass myself. It was going to be a big day for me and my supervisor. I needed to prepare well and push myself to get through it. I thought to myself, how can I reach my defence and achieve an academic position in the future if I already feel so frustrated with this half-time seminar! With that feeling, I jumped out of bed, turned on my laptop, and started writing.

On the day of the seminar, I was happy to see many familiar faces from the Glycoscience and Industrial Biotechnology groups. I felt a lot of support from the audience and I felt happy that many people were interested to listen to my talk. Well, I started my presentation with less nervousness than usual. I was surprised that I actually presented better than when I had practiced at home. Although I had less nerves than I expected, the 30-min speaking time still felt like an eternity. I now truly understand how tiring it must be for teachers who give a two-hour lecture… After finishing the presentation, the evaluators were kind and asked reasonable questions. They were both professors from other departments at KTH, with expertise in sequencing technologies and polymer recycling. Most of their questions focused on the challenge of designing industrial applications and how my work is relevant to address current issues of waste disposal in the Swedish pulp and paper industry. Their questions emphasised that what I was doing is something valuable and meaningful. Furthermore, some questions were very useful to help me identify gaps I missed or I hadn’t noticed before.

After the presentation and Q&A session, it was a time for evaluation, so the audience was asked to leave the room. There was only me, my co-supervisors, the two opponents, a director of third-cycle studies, and of course, my awesome supervisor. Alone in the room with them, I felt like there was a group of grey clouds flying around me and above my head. I totally had no clue what would come next… But then the clouds start fading away when one of the opponents said my Individual Study Plan (ISP) was the best that she has ever seen. It felt like the sun came out and I could relax again. Next, the director of third-cycle studies said the overview of my PhD project was great and made her understand easily what I was doing. These words felt like a huge compliment that killed the anxiety I felt before. During the evaluation, there were no more questions about my academic knowledge or my research. We mostly talked and discussed about my study plan, the structure of supervision I receive from Lauren, and my ability to handle the work still to come and to achieve the PhD. In the end, I got evaluated to pass the half-time. What a relief!

After my half-time evaluation, I felt proud of myself. I go through something that I wasn’t looking forward to, and I did it better than I expected. From this, I learn that I should not underestimate myself and I should be more confident in my ability to perform. Undeniably, I now accept I am a third year PhD student. Time is running out. I must do what I still need to do to create myself as a potential researcher that others would want to hire and work with in the future. There is still so much I want to learn but now I can see more clearly what the next two years will look like, and I can see the progress I have made already. My next milestones for this year are finishing some more courses, supervising a project student, and submitting my first research paper to a journal. I’m feeling hopeful for the next two years but I am really glad that the half-time evaluation is over now!!